I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreaming, but
There's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm takin'
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction,
My faith is shakin'
But I, I gotta keep tryin'
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it, but
These are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep goin',
And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on, 'cause
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb
Yeah
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb
Yeah, yeah
Keep on movin'
Keep climbin'
Keep the faith baby
It's all about, it's all about
The climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa
This is a song that has helped me get through some tough days!
In October 2012 at age 25 I was diagnosed with stage 3 Hodgkin's Lymphoma, this is my story about the fight for my life.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
So I lay here at 5:35am because I can't sleep. I have been awake since 3:30am. It's never a good thing being left alone with your thoughts..
I keep going back to the thought "why me?" But then I feel so selfish because I know there are other people out there much worse of then me. I do allow myself sometime to have self pity, I think that's allowed. I tell myself I'm allowed to have a bad day, but only a day! I need to pick myself up again the next day and continue on with my fight. It is hard to get up each day and be positive and happy. I feel like there isn't much to be positive and happy about at the moment, but I try. I need to be strong for my family, for when I am weak they are too.
I think i have come such a long way since I was diagnosed in early October 2012. I would cry everyday and tell people that I couldn't do this and was just generally depressed. I guess now I know I can. I've had 2 1/2 months of treatment and still going. The first month was hard with time spent in hospital and the "first" of everything happening. My first chemo, my first operation, my first hospital stay, my first ambulance ride, my first blood transfusion... The list goes on, the first of everything is the hardest. The unknown is scary. But I got through it all with the support of family and friends.
Xxx
I keep going back to the thought "why me?" But then I feel so selfish because I know there are other people out there much worse of then me. I do allow myself sometime to have self pity, I think that's allowed. I tell myself I'm allowed to have a bad day, but only a day! I need to pick myself up again the next day and continue on with my fight. It is hard to get up each day and be positive and happy. I feel like there isn't much to be positive and happy about at the moment, but I try. I need to be strong for my family, for when I am weak they are too.
I think i have come such a long way since I was diagnosed in early October 2012. I would cry everyday and tell people that I couldn't do this and was just generally depressed. I guess now I know I can. I've had 2 1/2 months of treatment and still going. The first month was hard with time spent in hospital and the "first" of everything happening. My first chemo, my first operation, my first hospital stay, my first ambulance ride, my first blood transfusion... The list goes on, the first of everything is the hardest. The unknown is scary. But I got through it all with the support of family and friends.
Xxx
Friday, January 4, 2013
Mixed emotions
So this week I had scans to see how the treatment is going.
Wednesday 2nd January 2013.
I was booked into have my CT scan at 12:30. I had to fast from food from 8:30am. So I got up at 8am and had toast and waited for the nurse to come and give me morning dose of clexane. 11:30 Sam and I headed off to the hospital. We arrived a little early, but this time I didn't have to wait long at all. I was told to put on a hospital gown and wait in the change room. The nurse came and got me and took me into the scanning room. I explained to them with the first scan I had that I vomited and with the second one I had a massive panic attack. They were really friendly and caring and didn't rush me. I laid down on the scanner bed and started panicking and crying. The nurse (a different one) told me to take deep breaths slowly and that it would all be okay. I calmed down and told them I was ready. They hooked up the contrast machine to my PICC line and lined me up in the scanner. The doctor said before the scan that I would have two lots, I didn't really understand what he meant by this. They put the first lost of contrast in (70ml) and I tried not to swallow as I believe this is what made me vomit the first time. I think this worked and at the end I just spat my spit into the spew bag. I did get the feeling that I peed my pants though (thank god I didn't lol). The doctor came back in and I thought I was done, unfortunately not. He said that I needed another 50mls of contrast so they could scan my neck, so back down I laid and I repeated the process of trying not to swallow as the contrast went in. Success number 2. I didn't vomit!!! So walked out of there proud of myself that I only had a few tears and no vomit!!
Friday 4th January 2013
I had my PET scan today so headed off to the hospital at 9am. Went up to level 7 Nuclear Department and didn't have to wait long until I was taken out the back into a room where they took my blood sugar level (3.1) which was low, but I had to fast from midnight the night before so I was starving! They also took my weight and height. I was then taken into another small room with a bed to lay down on. They connected a saline drip into my PICC line and paged for a doctor to come and inject the radiation tracer. He came and injected it into my PICC line along with the drip, I then had to lay there for an hour and rest. A nurse came and gave me a drink of water and told me to go to the toilet then come back and lay down, 20 minutes later she came back and gave me some more water and then I was ready for the scan. I was taken through a door to a room behind were I was laying. I got up on the bed and they positioned me with pillows , straps and blankets. They told me I had to lay very still and not move otherwise they would end up with blurry images. The scan lasted for about 40 minutes then I was free to go.
I had time to grab some lunch between this and my meeting with Dr Osborne at 1pm. So we went and grabbed some lunch at the hospital cafeteria and what a disappointment my salad roll was, the bread was stale!!! So after eating half of my terrible roll we headed over to the east wing to meet Dr Osborne. We had to wait about 10 minutes for him to arrive and then we went into his office. He asked me how I had been feeling and if I thought the lump in my neck had shrunk. I explained that it had and that people had also commented that they thought it had shrunk. This is when he went onto tell me that they had shrunk but not as much as he had hoped, it was only a small decrease and he would have expected more for the course of chemotherapy that I was up to. He said that he would like to keep me on the current chemo course that I'm on and will want scans done at some stage to see how it's going. I guess the news could have been worse and he could have said that it wasn't responding to treatment at all. However I'm feeling rather defeated by this nasty disease today.
The good news was that he told me I can stop having the clexane injections from tonight!!! Woohoo! I'm rather sad though because I got quite fond of one of the nurses, he is a lovely man from London, he and Sam became quite friendly talking about bike riding too. I'm sad that I didn't get to say goodbye to him and thank him for all the kind words and empathy he showed me, he was one of the few RDNS nurses that genuinely cared for me, I will miss him!
After the meeting with the doc I went up stairs to have day 1 course 3 of chemotherapy. All went well.
They say everything happens for a reason... But really what is the reason for cancer. What good comes out of it?
Wednesday 2nd January 2013.
I was booked into have my CT scan at 12:30. I had to fast from food from 8:30am. So I got up at 8am and had toast and waited for the nurse to come and give me morning dose of clexane. 11:30 Sam and I headed off to the hospital. We arrived a little early, but this time I didn't have to wait long at all. I was told to put on a hospital gown and wait in the change room. The nurse came and got me and took me into the scanning room. I explained to them with the first scan I had that I vomited and with the second one I had a massive panic attack. They were really friendly and caring and didn't rush me. I laid down on the scanner bed and started panicking and crying. The nurse (a different one) told me to take deep breaths slowly and that it would all be okay. I calmed down and told them I was ready. They hooked up the contrast machine to my PICC line and lined me up in the scanner. The doctor said before the scan that I would have two lots, I didn't really understand what he meant by this. They put the first lost of contrast in (70ml) and I tried not to swallow as I believe this is what made me vomit the first time. I think this worked and at the end I just spat my spit into the spew bag. I did get the feeling that I peed my pants though (thank god I didn't lol). The doctor came back in and I thought I was done, unfortunately not. He said that I needed another 50mls of contrast so they could scan my neck, so back down I laid and I repeated the process of trying not to swallow as the contrast went in. Success number 2. I didn't vomit!!! So walked out of there proud of myself that I only had a few tears and no vomit!!
Friday 4th January 2013
I had my PET scan today so headed off to the hospital at 9am. Went up to level 7 Nuclear Department and didn't have to wait long until I was taken out the back into a room where they took my blood sugar level (3.1) which was low, but I had to fast from midnight the night before so I was starving! They also took my weight and height. I was then taken into another small room with a bed to lay down on. They connected a saline drip into my PICC line and paged for a doctor to come and inject the radiation tracer. He came and injected it into my PICC line along with the drip, I then had to lay there for an hour and rest. A nurse came and gave me a drink of water and told me to go to the toilet then come back and lay down, 20 minutes later she came back and gave me some more water and then I was ready for the scan. I was taken through a door to a room behind were I was laying. I got up on the bed and they positioned me with pillows , straps and blankets. They told me I had to lay very still and not move otherwise they would end up with blurry images. The scan lasted for about 40 minutes then I was free to go.
I had time to grab some lunch between this and my meeting with Dr Osborne at 1pm. So we went and grabbed some lunch at the hospital cafeteria and what a disappointment my salad roll was, the bread was stale!!! So after eating half of my terrible roll we headed over to the east wing to meet Dr Osborne. We had to wait about 10 minutes for him to arrive and then we went into his office. He asked me how I had been feeling and if I thought the lump in my neck had shrunk. I explained that it had and that people had also commented that they thought it had shrunk. This is when he went onto tell me that they had shrunk but not as much as he had hoped, it was only a small decrease and he would have expected more for the course of chemotherapy that I was up to. He said that he would like to keep me on the current chemo course that I'm on and will want scans done at some stage to see how it's going. I guess the news could have been worse and he could have said that it wasn't responding to treatment at all. However I'm feeling rather defeated by this nasty disease today.
The good news was that he told me I can stop having the clexane injections from tonight!!! Woohoo! I'm rather sad though because I got quite fond of one of the nurses, he is a lovely man from London, he and Sam became quite friendly talking about bike riding too. I'm sad that I didn't get to say goodbye to him and thank him for all the kind words and empathy he showed me, he was one of the few RDNS nurses that genuinely cared for me, I will miss him!
After the meeting with the doc I went up stairs to have day 1 course 3 of chemotherapy. All went well.
They say everything happens for a reason... But really what is the reason for cancer. What good comes out of it?
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