Life "after" cancer

While the world goes on around me like everything is normal, my life is anything but. The fear and anxiety that constantly eat away at me is exhausting. I know I'll be forever known as "that girl that had cancer" but surely there is more to me then that? Other reasons people can remember me for? Maybe, maybe not. Realistically I am just a mere human being in a world full of people, why should people remember me for any other reason. When people learn of my story and what I have been through their demeanor changes, they all of a sudden become softer spoken and almost apologetic. Don't treat me differently because I had cancer or tell me that you know what I went through because your Aunts Sisters Cousins Daughter had cancer, because honestly you have no idea how incredibly hard it is to fight something that's trying to kill you unless you have been through it too. You may have watched a love one go through this so you will have some idea, but there is a whole other side to it, the mental side, what it does to your thoughts is possibly harder to deal with then the actual treatment itself. All the thoughts of "I can't do this, I don't want to to do this, Why me?, How could this happen?, What did i do to deserve this?, I would rather die, I want to give up" They all go through your head at one stage or another through treatment.

I am coming up to my first scan post finishing up treatment and to be honest I am completely terrified. I have a 1001 thoughts running through my head. My mind keeps telling me I have symptoms and any "strange" feeling I have in my body makes me swear it's returned. Like I said it's exhausting, both mentally and physically. I have to wait 2 weeks for my scan results which is annoying. I need to be put out of my misery. 

I will be returning to work in the next couple of weeks too. I am unsure at this stage what hours I'll be doing and what store I'll be in, I have a meeting with the General Manager in 2 weeks. After being off work for 16 months it will be tough but good to get back into a somewhat "normal" life. 

I am not sure anyone reads this thing anymore but either way it's good to get it off my chest. Until next time xx