Update..

It seems I left everyone hanging with the results of my scan. The good news is they came back clear, the "tumours" are still shrinking. It was a pretty stressful wait for my results but I returned to work in the few days before my results were due so I had that to concentrate on. I have returned back to my previous employer at 15 hours a week, which works out to 3 days. This is not enough for me and they can't give me any more hours so I am currently looking for full time work.

I have coped with being back at work fine, I do have the odd day where I am tired but with an early night I am ok the next day. My Dr told me to expect this for up to 12 months after treatment. 

My results appointment went as expected. I was slightly confident (but not too much) that the results were going to be ok. There was 2 things that I thought he was going to tell me and I was right. The first one being that I have a Vitamin D deficiency, but that is easily fixed with Vitamin D vitamins. The 2nd and more concerning one was that I have gone in to early menopause. I don't know a lot about this except that I wont be able to conceive children. I have an appointment coming up with a gynaecologist so I will find out more then. These 2 things didn't shock me as I already knew thats what he was going to say. 

He was happy for me to have another CT scan 6 months after my last one, so that will be around August 2014. I have another clinical checkup with him at the 3 month mark which is scheduled for 23rd May 2014. 

So I have now been officially Cancer free for 6 months! The photo below was taken on the 6th April 2014 with 7 months hair growth! I have had an appointment to see how much hair extensions are going to cost me, now I will just wait for it to grow a little bit longer and get them! 

3 month CT scan

So the other day I had my 3 months post treatment scan (it's actually been nearly 4.5 months since my last one)! This will tell me if I am still in remission or not! I need everyone's positive vibes and prayers for great results. I had to go a radiology clinc as the hospital is no longer doing CT scans for out patients. So I rock up and they hand me this bottle of liquid to drink. I say I've never had this before and the nurse said it was how they do it there! I was thinking yippee,no contrast for me, it was wishful thinking as she said I would still need it! So I open the lid and have a sniff, doesn't smell too bad. I poor myself a cup and take a sip... It kind of tastes like flat lemonade. It's a 250ml bottle and I have to drink a cup full every 15 minutes until it was gone. As I was sitting there drinking mine, another girl sat down and got given the bottle, she too took the lid of and had a smell! 

I had nearly finished it when the nurse came back out to get me! I went to a little room and got changed into a hospital gown and then went into the scanning room, by this stage I was busting for the toilet so asked to go to the loo before the scan. Had to wait and ask as I wasn't sure if I was supposed to have a full bladder for the scan. I came back and laid feet first on the bed with my legs sitting over a triangle so they were slightly raised and bent. She put a cannula in my left arm and then attached the tube so she could put the contrast into me, she then aligned the machine so it was ready to go. I had to hold my left arm up straight and the right arm over my head for the first part of the scan and then put both arms down on my stomach for the second part. First part scans your abdomen to your neck and the second part scans neck and head. I get 2 lots of contrast that make you feel warm and like you have peed yourself! Once the scan was finished I got dressed and has to sit in a small waiting room for 10 minutes to make sure I wasn't going to have a reaction to the contrast, she then took out the cannula and I was free to go. 

They gave me the option of picking up my scans or having them sent straight to my Dr! As tempted as I was I knew the right decision was to get them sent to my Dr. If I had picked them up I would have opened them and either for bad or good news or not be able to understand them and stress myself out for 3 weeks! 

I was supposed to get my results back on the 21st but that clinic has been cancelled so now I have to wait until the 28th. 

I had a meeting with my General Manager on Friday to talk about returning to work. All sounds promising so now I am just waiting for them to give me a call to tell me what days and hours they have for me.  

Bye for now

Xxx

Life "after" cancer

While the world goes on around me like everything is normal, my life is anything but. The fear and anxiety that constantly eat away at me is exhausting. I know I'll be forever known as "that girl that had cancer" but surely there is more to me then that? Other reasons people can remember me for? Maybe, maybe not. Realistically I am just a mere human being in a world full of people, why should people remember me for any other reason. When people learn of my story and what I have been through their demeanor changes, they all of a sudden become softer spoken and almost apologetic. Don't treat me differently because I had cancer or tell me that you know what I went through because your Aunts Sisters Cousins Daughter had cancer, because honestly you have no idea how incredibly hard it is to fight something that's trying to kill you unless you have been through it too. You may have watched a love one go through this so you will have some idea, but there is a whole other side to it, the mental side, what it does to your thoughts is possibly harder to deal with then the actual treatment itself. All the thoughts of "I can't do this, I don't want to to do this, Why me?, How could this happen?, What did i do to deserve this?, I would rather die, I want to give up" They all go through your head at one stage or another through treatment.

I am coming up to my first scan post finishing up treatment and to be honest I am completely terrified. I have a 1001 thoughts running through my head. My mind keeps telling me I have symptoms and any "strange" feeling I have in my body makes me swear it's returned. Like I said it's exhausting, both mentally and physically. I have to wait 2 weeks for my scan results which is annoying. I need to be put out of my misery. 

I will be returning to work in the next couple of weeks too. I am unsure at this stage what hours I'll be doing and what store I'll be in, I have a meeting with the General Manager in 2 weeks. After being off work for 16 months it will be tough but good to get back into a somewhat "normal" life. 

I am not sure anyone reads this thing anymore but either way it's good to get it off my chest. Until next time xx

It's hard, at the end of the day….

I have come here many times to write a new blog but just end up sitting here looking blankly at the screen not knowing where to start or what to write!

I am not sure how I am feeling since finishing up all my treatment, if I am being honest as I usually try to be on here, it is pretty scary! I may have mentioned in a previous blog, i can't remember. But whilst you are on chemo you have the comfort of knowing that the cancer is being killed or kept away. Now i am off it the scary thoughts keep rearing their ugly heads and the fear and anxiety seem to creep back in every now and then. I know this is normal for someone who has been through something like I have so it doesn't worry me, it can just get a little annoying sometimes when you are going about your day and something will jump out at you and remind you of what you have been through or what your future may hold. At the end of the day, its hard. I fought something that tried to kill me and those memories won't disappear overnight. 

I have started seeing an exercise physiologist to help me regain my strength. He has been fantastic and I have noticed a great improvement even in the few short weeks that I have been going. Before I started seeing him my joints and body would ache any time I stood up and moved but now it is much better. I see him 2-3 times a week for an hour at a time. We do things like weights, treadmill, bike etc. 

On Friday 1st November I had my first clinical checkup with my Oncologist. It felt weird going back to the hospital after not having to go there for a month. He checked me over and didn't see or feel anything that he was concerned about! My next check up with him is 6th December. He said that he feels that I have transitioned from chemo well. 

Saturday October 26th I was asked to participate in the Candle Light Ceremony in the Murray Bridge Cancer Council Relay For Life. I lit the candle of the present. They have 3 candles that signify 'The Past, Present & Future'. It was an honour to be asked to do this in my home town in front of my family. 

Doing a lap with our candles

As above

During the ceremony

The band playing

Me with my candle (in the middle)

I also got asked to be the feature story in the latest Cancer Council bequest brochure and letter that accompanies it. I felt very privileged to be asked to do this and it makes me feel like I am doing some good out of a horrible situation and I hope that after reading my story people consider leaving money to the Cancer Council in their will.

The brochure

I have been busy planning fundraisers for the Cancer Council through Relay For Life. This will be the second Relay For Life I have participated in, it is great fun but also a lot of hard work! If you would like to donate here in the link: Relay For Life Fundraising Page  

I am also in the middle of planning a holiday to Tasmania for the start of next year! It is great being able to plan things! Life will never be the same again but I am trying to learn to live with the life I have been given and I am incredibly grateful that I am still here today to be able to share my story. 

I know a lot of people who have been through something like I have say that they now look at the world in a whole new light but its true. I now see what is important and what is not. I make time to just sit down, relax and watch the world go by! Life is to fragile and short to worry about the small things. I will always take time out for me and look after myself as no one can do that for you. Life is what you make it, have fun, be crazy and don't care what others think about you. 

I hate that I got Cancer but it showed me how to appreciate life as tomorrow is never promised and life can change or be taken away from you in a instant. Its also led me to some amazing people who I will be friends with forever. I believe I have been given a second chance at life and I am not going to waste it!

This song was sang at my very first Relay For Life that I attended in May this year. I was in the middle of treatment and had a blood transfusion the day before. I was standing with an amazing group of ladies in a massive crowed! As I looked around there was not a dry eye in the crowd! Whilst it makes me sad it always reminds me of how far I have come! 

  

So it seems this time I didn't have trouble finding something to write about! Until next time xxx

Picc removal

In my last entry I forgot to mention I finally got my picc line out! I specifically made my picc dressing appointment after my results appointment in the hope I would be able to get it out! 

With one deep breath it was pulled cleanly out! I didn't feel a thing. I asked the nurse if I could keep it! She joked that it might make some horrible science experiment In years to come lol! I need some sort of memory of what I had inside me for the last 11 months! I gave it to Dad, told him to put it with my hair he has lol! The part that ran from my arm into my chest is approximately 30cms long, the part on the outside of my arm, about 16cms long! Although annoying, it saved me many a jab and I don't regret getting it at all! 

                            

All the nurses in the oncology day centre were sad but happy to see me go! The receptionist was exceptionally sad! I had become friends with everyone there in the last 12 months! I am not sad to see the back of that place but am sad to say good bye to the lovely people I met! I promised Nikki the receptionist I would pop back in and say hello next time I am at the hospital! 

Chemo nurses are amazing, they help you through a very difficult time in your life! I will never forget the love and support they gave me! We shared jokes and stories and had lots of laughs together. 

I may have taken the long road but I got there in the end!

This is a post I have been waiting to write for a very long time!! Today I can announce I no longer have cancer!!

I had my results appointment on Friday 4th Oct. I was extremely nervous about it all week. Couldn't sleep much and on the day I felt like I was going to be sick. Lets just say I went in there with a feeling that it was going to be bad news. I had prepared myself for the worst. Sam and his mum Penny came with me. The Dr didn't keep us waiting too long so that was great. He asked how I have been feeling and I said I had a cold, he replied that he will want to know about that soon but first he's sure I want to know my results. I said it depends on if its good or bad news!! His reply was..... "It's all good"!! Phew! I felt like a tonne of bricks had just been lifted from my shoulders. From then on it was all good. He said the Pet scan showed no sign of activity and the Ct scan showed the nodes had significantly dropped in size. I found out that the biggest one in my chest at my last scan in January was 7cm x 4cm, whoa! I hate to think how big it was before i started chemo then! From memory he said its about 4 x 1cm now. I have another appointment with my Oncologist in a months time to have a chat and for him to feel my neck to make sure nothing is happening. I will have at least 3 CT scans in the next 12 months and blood tests routinely.

I have realised a lot in the last 12 months. I have figured out who will and wont be there for me. I lost a lot of people I thought were friends but at the same time I made some incredibly great new friends who have stuck by my side since the very start and are still there today <3 you all, you know who you are! 

Although I am technically 'free of cancer' physically, mentally I never will be. It will always be in the back of my mind. For the next few years until my hair grows long it will be a constant reminder of what I went through every time I look in the mirror. I have scars all over my body from the chemo. Every time I stand up my body aches. I have a scar on my neck that one day I hope I can look at with pride instead of wanting to cry at the reminder of what once tried to kill me. Life wasn't meant to be like this, I shouldn't have to live with the constant anxiety and 'what ifs' for the rest of my life. Not to forget all the scans, doctors appointments and blood tests I will have to have for the rest of my life. I was 25 and cancer took away my innocence, it took away my care free attitude towards life, it took away me. I now look at the world in a whole new light, I will do my best to help people that need help and always be there for my friends when they need me. I think now I am a lot more of a giving person and always try to think of others. You don't need to spend money to make someone happy, you just need to be there for them. Just sitting and spending time with them, sending them a card or a text to say you are thinking of them and ask how they are, that is all that is needed and really not that hard. It takes 2 seconds to send a text and honestly you will never know when you need your friends or help in return. 

I thank everyone who was beside me on this journey, love you all! 

So now onto the party planning!! 

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst!

Last weekend I spoke to my Uncle Graeme who I haven't talked to in many years, he mentioned that he reads my blog and that I haven't updated it in a while, so this update is for you :)!

It's been nearly 6 weeks since I updated this, oops sorry!! In all honesty though I have come here quite a few times to do an update, but just haven't known what to say and I guess no news, is good news, right?!? 

I officially ended chemo on Sunday 11th August 2013!! It has been great waking up knowing that I don't have to go to the hospital for more chemo!! I still have my PICC line in (my choice) so have had to go back to the hospital once a week for a dressing change and a blood test. 

In the last 6 weeks the lowest my hemoglobin has dropped to is 81 which was in the week after I finished chemo. My last blood test results from 6/09/13 it was at a 102, so slowly improving, every now and then it drops down a few but no where near the 80 zone which is great, so means no more blood transfusions for me!! 

I have been getting my energy back which is a great feeling! I spent a week back home at Mum and Dad's the other week, which was nice. I got to catch up with a few friends that I hadn't seen in a while. Have been on a couple of lunch dates with some other friends back in Adelaide, feels good to be able to start living life again! I have slowly been getting my house back in order too and have been able to help out with a bit of cooking and cleaning! The only real side effect I am experiencing at the moment, is joint pain in my ankles, elbows and hands. I also have the neuropathy in my hands and feet still, other then those 2 things I generally feel pretty good. I still get tired if I push my self too much though. 

So tomorrow marks the end of the 6 week mark since I finished chemo, so that means I have my scans to see what this nasty thing called Cancer is doing!! Best news will be that its all gone!! I have my PET scan Monday 16th September at 9am! CT scan is scheduled for Friday 27th September. I get my results back and find out where I go to from here on Friday 4th October. Which ironically is 1 YEAR TO THE DAY since I found out I had cancer! I got told on Friday October 5th last year! So lets hope that this year I hear the words "No active cancer"!! With cancer though I have learned you need to 'hope for the best, prepare for the worst' which is what I have done throughout my whole treatment! I can't believe its been almost a year, it has gone unbelievably fast. It does not feel like I have had a year off work! When the doctor told me what he thought I had, he told me that it would take a year out of my life, he wasn't wrong! I am looking forward to being able to enjoy my birthday, Christmas and New Years a lot more this year! Wasn't a lot to celebrate last year, with a cancer diagnoses not long before. 

I wish I had more to update you all on, but I don't! I will have more news in a few weeks! xx